“I can’t do it. I just can’t ask her out. I will die if she says no.” - Keith (50) (quote shared with permission; only the name is changed)
Keith is a fifty-year-old man with a good career and a loving temperament yet remains unmarried, despite wanting to be in a traditional relationship. He is secretly in love with a woman he works with and yet feels unable to act on his feelings. Keith doesn’t think his sense of self would survive the rejection if she turned him down. “I date women I’m not that interested in; I’m always dating. It’s like torture; I see what I want; I just can’t do it; maybe deep down I don’t think I deserve to be happy. I would probably ruin it anyway".
Fear of shame is powerful. For Keith, it is limiting his chances of being with the woman he loves.
We can all be like Keith. Avoiding moments where we might feel acute shame—asking someone out, going for a job interview, being sexually intimate, public speaking—all for fear it might go sideways and lead to the familiar sensation of shame. We all know that feeling, don’t we? The sinking stomach, the desire to be swallowed whole by the floor, the utter toe-curling, tummy-churning of profound cringe. But what if there’s a more insidious shame? A type of hidden shame that doesn’t even need a big event to trigger it? Shame that flies under the radar with the capacity to impact our well-being and our life chances without ever becoming fully known to us. Hidden shame is not only powerful but can shape our lives by masquerading as cynicism and can lead us to live a shadow of the life that is possible for us, and we very often won’t even know it.
How do you know if you have hidden shame?
We all have shame, but hidden shame is preconscious and often masked by certain beliefs or outlooks. Often hidden shame is a socially constructed feeling acted out in private. A secret fear of inferiority leads to defence mechanisms like projection, avoidance, or self-blame. By answering the following questions, you may gain an understanding of how shame can hide itself.
If you answered yes to more than three of the above, you might be living with hidden shame. Even if you didn’t, you can hopefully appreciate how people living with hidden shame can be struggling beneath their facade. Shame can cloud a person’s judgement, and although shame is universally felt by everyone at some point, not everyone has chronic or persistent shame.
The difference between situational shame and hidden shame.
Hidden shame is persistent and not provoked by an event or situation. Instead, it has become a background noise to our every day, like the humming of a refrigerator. Hidden shame becomes a lens through which the self and world are seen. Luckily, this lens can be cleaned. Firstly, we need to make the hidden shame visible to ourselves. What we make known can transform. Sadly, often we only recognise the problem of hidden shame when we develop a secondary mental health problem.
Hidden shame’s impact on our mental health.
Hidden shame is persistent and not provoked by an event or situation. Instead, it has become a background noise to our every day, like the humming of a refrigerator. Hidden shame becomes a lens through which the self and world are seen. Luckily, this lens can be cleaned. Firstly, we need to make the hidden shame visible to ourselves. What we make known can transform. Sadly, often we only recognise the problem of hidden shame when we develop a secondary mental health problem.
Hidden shame’s impact on our mental health.
Hidden shame’s impact is huge. If left preconscious and unchallenged, shame will fester, evolve, and take root in the shadows. The process of shame becoming hidden often begins during childhood when encountering adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). ACEs were first explored in a 1995 study conducted by the Centres for Disease Control and the Kaiser Permanente healthcare organisation in California. It defines three specific categories of adversity children face.
1. Physical and/or emotional/psychological abuse.
2. Neglect.
3. Living in a dysfunctional household.
The follow-up studies also revealed that ACEs are common. Almost a quarter of all US people reported experiencing three or more ACEs in their childhood, and there is a correlation between ACEs and poor health later in life, including heart disease, obesity, depression, substance abuse, and even early death.
Did you experience three or more ACEs?
By reading the following list, you will get an idea of how common ACEs are and whether you have endured adverse childhood experiences too. If you have three or more, chances are you may be living with some form of hidden shame.
How ACEs relate to hidden shame.
“When we are ashamed, we are ashamed of something in front of somebody. We can also be made to feel ashamed by others and can make others feel ashamed. We can be ashamed of others and be ashamed of ourselves.” – Hilge Landweer, philosopher
The philosopher Hilge Landweer postulates that there is a recipe for shame. This recipe often includes the belief that we have somehow transgressed a social or interpersonal norm. Take a child whose parent is often drunk or drugged; that child sees other parents are sober and can feel ashamed of their drinking/drugging parent/s. This shame often becomes self-blame, as it is easier for children to blame themselves for not being enough to change a parent than to struggle to change the parent (which is fruitless and not their role anyway).
Landweer also proposes that for shame to become evident, we must personally believe that the norm being transgressed is good or virtuous in the first place. In her phenomenological examination of shame, she also went further by saying that the recognition of social norms can be seen in terms of power interactions. That the power dynamics in the environment cannot be separated from our experiences and expression of shame. This is important in recognising hidden shame formation in children’s experiences; children are often powerless. Acknowledging power dynamics is also important for therapists when formulating therapeutic interventions. Clients with hidden shame may be feeling high levels of shame for needing/wanting therapy in the first place. For those of us trying to expose our hidden shame to the warmth of self-compassion, acknowledging where we lacked, lost, or had power taken from us is an important aspect of healing. We can then release what is not our responsibility to carry. By carrying society’s or another person’s shame, we take on the burden of someone else's behaviour, which can have deep consequences for our well-being, highlighted in a study by Sera De Rubeis at the University of Toronto, who investigated the phenomenology of shame. De Rubeis investigated shame experience in teens and found that those with persistent sensations of shame also had higher levels of depression.
There is also an interesting link between shame and social anxiety, which offers an example of when carrying society’s shame arising from social norms becomes a personal problem. Thomas A. Fergus, in his 2010 study, suggests that shame is significant for people experiencing anxiety disorders. Fergus discovered that symptoms of social anxiety disorder and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) share a significant connection to shame-proneness. (Shame-proneness, defined as being more likely to feel shame than the majority). Not only that, research by June Tangney of George Mason University found that people who feel persistent shame or shame-proneness often have low self-esteem. Tangney’s findings may offer us an insight into the way out of shame: self-acceptance.
Why do I say self-acceptance rather than self-esteem building?
Self-esteem is often reliant on external circumstances, i.e., our roles, status, and perceived virtues. This can make self-esteem environmentally dependent, and the environment has a habit of changing. For instance, if your self-esteem is derived from being a fast runner, what happens when you age and become slower, infirm, or immobile? Conversely, self-acceptance does not depend on external circumstances. Instead, self-acceptance is a changing, malleable process that adapts with us over time. Self-acceptance is an active practice of embodying your strengths and weaknesses without harsh judgement or criticism. Self-acceptance is treating your limitations with compassion and kindness, not denial or compulsive self-improvement. The process requires us to surrender self-abasement and punishment for a more mature attitude of discernment and realism. This means self-acceptance becomes the stable foundation from which your resilience is built. You know you have reached self-acceptance, which varies throughout our lives when you can be reasonable about your flaws rather than biting. When you can be fair, balanced, and objective about your capacities without condemning yourself, then you're accepting who you are. In other words, you don’t put yourself through the wringer for minor misdemeanours anymore. The chronic cringe is no longer a constant backdrop to your life. How do we begin the process of accepting ourselves? We first reach for self-knowledge; the mind finds it difficult to accept what is unknown. What we know can be accepted.
Getting to know your hidden shame.
Think about the last time you felt ashamed of yourself. You’ll notice that often the accompanying thoughts are something like “I am bad/stupid/broken.”For people with persistent hidden shame, there’s a pervasive sense of being in the wrong skin or being fundamentally flawed. Over time, this leads to secondary feelings and thoughts that confirm this bias. Often hidden shame becomes like a messy ball of wool with feelings and judgements becoming entangled, and we can spend a lot of time trying to find the thread to pull that will untangle the whole issue. Let’s look at some of these secondary feelings and thoughts arising from hidden shame.
Guilt—like remorse, guilt can be healthy when proportionate, realistic, and balanced. When hidden shame is causing guilt, we often find it becomes impossible to leave the guilt behind, even after reconciling or making amends. Let’s go deeper. Let’s differentiate between earned guilt and unearned guilt. Earned guilt is activated when we have done something wrong and know it. We may apologise and put things right, but if we still cannot shake off the guiltiness, chances are unresolved guilt is hiding beneath. Unearned guilt is different. Unearned guilt happens when we have NOT done something; instead, we have internalised the behaviour of another person and take responsibility for it. For instance, it is common for adult survivors of child abuse to live with unearned guilt. Also, people who are deemed transgressive by society, for example, LGBT people, can live with unearned guilt. Some people who become famous or win competitions can also experience unearned guilt, as can those who survive tragedies other people did not survive.
Humiliation – this is when we feel deep embarrassment that has an element of feeling persecuted, bullied, or tormented too. Humiliation can feel like a degradation of who we are at our very core. It is a sense of being a disgrace, and when endured over time, such as in cases of abuse, it can leave the individual with a sense of being less than human. It is often accompanied by thoughts similar to “I’m a mess," “I’m disgusting," “I am dirt," and “I am the worst.”
Remorse—the regret that accompanies our flawed behaviour can be healthy when appropriate and balanced. If hidden shame is underneath remorse, then we can become stuck in self-abasement for years, and we can even feel remorse for situations that are not within our power, such as post-accident disabilities, illness, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This kind of remorse lacks self-compassion and can reinforce low self-worth. We can even feel remorse about people close to us. For example, parents who feel remorse for the actions of their grown-up children. Remorse is regret and blame mixed together and is often accompanied by thoughts similar to “if only I had..." and “I should have done...”
Inadequacy -- is a sense of being lesser than others. Inadequacy is often linked with a sense that other people are whole, and we are not quite there yet. We often compare and then despair. The lens we see the world through is set to black and white. Hidden shame encourages us to ignore nuance by opting to see reasoning as excusing, self-forgiveness becomes coddling, and believing we are equal to others is a crutch. Inadequacy is the stick shame uses to beat us with. Inadequacy makes us exceptional by virtue of believing we are the only people on earth exempt of forgiveness, dignity, and respect. It is often accompanied by devaluing thoughts and questions that imply our lesser status, for example: “I’m a loser," “why is everyone else managing/doing better/loved/cared for/healthy?" “I can’t do this,” “why am I so useless?" “I’m worthless”, “what is wrong with me?” (If you do suffer any of these thoughts, I can assure you that your inadequacy is lying to you. You are equal to every other human on this earth.)
Acknowledging your shame.
You are probably starting to see where your hidden shame shows up in your own life. You may even be realising how you avoid certain situations that lead to feelings of shame, even though these situations and/or behaviours may be perfectly acceptable. Similar to Keith, you may avoid asking someone out on a date for fear of hearing “no” and the pervasive shame that follows. By acknowledging how shame informs our decisions and influences subsequent behaviour, we can transform our lives. Acknowledging shame is the key to making what is currently preconscious conscious. The following activities may help you in this endeavour.
Transform your shame into resilience.
Now you have acquainted yourself with your shame, you can bring empathy directly to your pain. Compassion melts shame. Practice gently speaking to yourself is an art form well worth learning. Speak to yourself with tenderness, like you really matter because you do. Be loving with yourself, especially when you don’t think you deserve it; this is when you need it most.
Try zero tolerance for self-bullying
Try interrupting your bullying self-talk for the next seven days. Simply practice saying “thank you for your input, but I’m only listening to respectful messages right now” and see how you feel in a week from now. Taking up the zero self-bullying challenge is revealing and journaling alongside can help embody the changes on a deeper level. This is not an easy task, so be easy on yourself if you find it hard. Remember, progress not perfection is what we are aiming for, slow and steady is best.
2. Join an ACA 12 step programme.
If you find you have three or more ACEs, consider joining an ACA group. Working through the ACA 12 steps with others can offer you a supportive confidential space to recover. ACA is a tried and tested pathway out of struggles with shame and you can even find a “fellow traveller” (another person working the steps) who wants to share the experience with you. programs can reduce the isolation that keeps shame festering. As the old ACA adage says, we are “as sick as our secrets,” being honest in the group starves the oxygen that shame festers on.
3. Dedicate to hypnotherapy
Hypnotherapy speaks to the sub and unconscious parts of the psyche and can be very effective for transforming shame. A link to my “Overcoming Shame” hypnotherapy session will be added here soon. Subscribe below to be notified of when it is available.
Shame is a masterclass in courage.
Shame is a powerful social emotion. It contracts us. Crushes out our authenticity and suffocates our true selves. However, it doesn’t need to be a life sentence. With care and attention, we can let go of the shackles and regain our lives. This takes courage. That is the lasting gift of overcoming shame. You begin to marvel at your own bravery. Like most aspects of life, shame is subject to duality or its own shadow self, and that is authenticity. That’s how you will know you have emerged out the other side. You will start to recognise your true self has emerged to make space for genuine intimacy and wish fulfilment. Why not try getting to know your shame and transforming it into authenticity? What have you got to lose but your shame and cynicism? “That’s what scared me” says Keith, as he reflects on his own process “The thought that my life might change, that I might actually be able to have the things I want was scary. I held onto the shame to stop myself from having a life that was full of uncertainty; being in love is uncertain, but once I made moves to overcome it I saw it wasn’t scary at all. It felt like relief, as if part of me was in there waiting for me to let it go. I say try it. Try letting it go.”
If you do try any of the techniques in this article please reach out – I would love to share whatever you create or discover and hear any additional insights into shame you uncover.
References
About adverse childhood experiences (no date) Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Available at: https://www.cdc.gov/aces/about/index.html (Accessed: 25 September 2024).
How journaling can help ease anxiety and encourage healing (no date) WebMD. Available at: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-benefits-of-journaling (Accessed: 25 September 2024).
Landweer, H. (1999) Hilge landweer, scham und macht: Phänomenologische Untersuchungen zur Sozialität eines Gefühls, PhilPapers. Available at: https://philpapers.org/rec/LANSUM (Accessed: 24 September 2024).
Overcoming shame increases resilience (no date) Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/trial-triumph/202104/overcoming-shame-increases-resilience (Accessed: 25 September 2024).
Pennebaker, J.W. and Smyth, J.M. (2016) Opening up by writing it down: How expressive writing improves health and eases emotional pain. New York: The Guilford Press.
S;, F.T.D.P. (no date) Shame- and guilt-proneness: Relationships with anxiety disorder symptoms in a clinical sample, Journal of anxiety disorders. Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20591613/ (Accessed: 24 September 2024).
Schwartz, R.C. (2021) No bad parts: Healing trauma & restoring wholeness. London: Vermilion.
Sedighimornani, N. (2019) Is shame managed through mind-wandering?, Europe’s journal of psychology.
Swan-Foster, N. (2018) Jungian Art Therapy: A guide to dreams, images, and analytical psychology. New York, NY: Routle
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